How bad do you want it?

I’m deciding here, right now that I want to go to medical school. I’m going to think long term and it is what I think I really want to do in the future. For the right reasons? Because it’s cool to be a doctor? Because I want to treat people and help? Because I want to prove to myself I can do it?

I just got “scolded” (if you will) by my boss, mentor, friend Weg. I’ve never met someone more intense or more hardworking. He keeps asking me if I want to go. How badly do I want it? The correct answer is: I’ll do absolutely everything it takes. From here on out, I will do everything it takes. I want to be a doctor. And not just to get into some low ranked school. I want to get into a reputable program.

I currently live too much for the moment. Any glimpse of fun, moment of pleasure, fleeting high I take it up. In moderation, these are ok, but I’ve been doing too much that I cannot handle getting to my goal. Party hard sure, but study your ass off. Work your hardest, and prepare for the worst. Be responsible. Be competitive. Reality check.

Med school won’t happen magically. I’m in this mode right now where I feel I’ll magically get good grades the next two years, get an amazing mcat score, and get numerous publications. Weg can help me only so much. He said “I’ll help you, but don’t waste my time.”

There is only yes or no. Black or white. You want it, or you don’t. And I want it. And I’m going to do it.

“Did you expect to do this well?” “You have to, otherwise you won’t.”

I have to want it. That nothing will stand in my way. That nothing can stop me. Is there any better feeling than knowing you are the best, that you are on top, or that you’ve achieved your goal?

Before I left lab, I saw the Jocelyn Chen walk in to turn in something to Weg. I introduced myself to her and she waltzed on by seemingly forgetting about me right away. In the grand scheme I did not matter. But to me, she matters so much. She was the number one BENG student from her year and got into Hopkins med school. She is an example of someone just as intense as Weg. She gets what she wants and works so hard. Aish.

I know once I give my life to this goal, I’ll have to give up things. I don’t want to give up ultimate or lab. I’ll be in the library studying, and playing ultimate to relax and working in lab to get my publications, and the weekly 3 hours on Friday to party.

I have to stop caring about what people think of me. Well, more importantly however, care a bit about what the people you respect think. Do what you want. Like what you do. Life is good.

thursday next

The Loom

I drowned in sleep.
And once my lungs were gills,
I watched my liquid shadow,
fathoms deep,
Weave through a trembling warp
of light and hope
a weft that kills.

No working hand
Had anything to do
with how the sea
Hurled itself in salt against the sand,
or how unfeelingly
The shore forgot to be the land
and mimed the sea . . .

Or how, under the dream,
One tightening thread
Gathered those crooked strokes of light
into a beam
Through which I rose—not quite
from the dead—
more from the blame

Fanned out in
Microshards of extinct species
threatening my head—
Motes that might have been
curses, or killer faces,
Had they not welcomed me, as I woke,
with human voices.