Sunday, October 28, 2007

Empty House by Marjorie Agosín

The Empty House

you return
to the empty house
you recognize yourself
diminished between
its thresholds
you remember that dawn and the
flight
the captive gaze of the neighbors
in the perfidious ceremonies of an
unwelcome goodbye

now you return
in vain, you do not succeed
in finding yourself
the bushes in the garden
are like a love in ruins
bodies abandoned after
useless quarrels
or perhaps bodies of the disappeared
that you seek in vain in your night
in your language
in your memory

you visit your parents' room
where your mischievous childhood entered
and surprised them in the darkness of their siestas
you are the child who watched over the
exigencies of love

now, the empty bed,
on the walls, stains, cracks,
the ugliness of abandonment

you return to the empty house
to a country at war
without sub machine guns
but still a war caused by forgetting
by the silence of the dead
by the dead hours
by gagged voices

you return in order to still believe in
tenderness
or to feel that something in the wind
reminds you of what was once yours
perhaps the birch tree
swaying in front of the picture windows
on those rainy nights
when you believed in ghosts
their footprints, their laughter
and you let yourself be wrapped in the warmth of sleep
that sheltered your faith

that is why you return today

mine mine mine mine says the sea gull


Ive decided that if i were an animal, i'd want to be a bird (dunno what kind). Birds are chill all the time, just hopping around, finding a telephone pole to perch onto and daydream. I want to fly, go really fast against the wind. I like the high altitude and falling feeling; the butterflies in the stomach never bother me. To float, glide, soar. Too bad the closest ill ever get is in a plane, or sky diving, hang gliding watever. If i were a sea animal, perhaps id be a tang (like Dory). If i were a land animal, a fox cause their sneaky and shit. BTW, this past paragraph was terrible writing. sorry.




This is an image from my backyard. The clouds were more impressive from the other areas of turtle rock but i didnt have my camera at the time. I quickly just snapped this picture to get at least remnants of the crazy constellation painted by the cirrus clouds and the setting sun. They're so wispy and carefree, without any defined moment, kinda just off doing its own thing. Reminds me of blowing smoke. I feel like this is whats going on in my head. I don't know what i want.

I wish i knew, so i know wat to work for you kno? To find that job you'll love, so you'll never have to work ever again. But then again, I'm just being lazy and i know it. You don't wait for the calling, you make it yourself.

But at the moment, I don't know wat i like. What i do right now, what im studying, its fine, its great, its an excellent path, but i don't have the passion for it. I'm just doing it cause I just happen to be on the road. I'm not making any turns or finding new paths...

I'm waiting for the navigation system to tell me where to go. I'm waiting for my call, but I'm getting restless and impatient. I feel that all I'm studying and working for will not matter in the long run and I don't know why. Its all for the enrichment of my own life. Still, all in all, i feel extremely unmotivated. It seems like the grass is greener everywhere else.

We make our own calling and we decide for ourselves and I'm not taking the initiative to do so. I'm stalling and I don't want to care, but in the back of my head, dread of the future looms. We decide for ourselves and its true since ultimately you decide what you like and dislike. What if I just haven't found my calling to decide on it?

Still, it doesnt mean I should give up. Everything matters in the end, no matter how significant. I'm lazy and arrogant, which is the worst combination. I gotta get clean and only time will tell. At least six months. At least six months.

Come on baby, light my fire. why arent i excited about things more? where my motivation? I seem to just not care. The indifference is killing me! the boredom perhaps?

On friday, I had a very good day. One of the better ones in a long time. Elaine took me to cdm beach, where i took the picture of the thinking bird starring off into the ocean. We went to fashion island and stopped at the puppy shop. There i saw this chihuahua that i made me think about duby. i miss him goddamn. We got wahoos and ate it at the beach, just chilling and watching the waves. It was nice and pleasant, stress free. She then took me to the newport beach library. I had never been there and its probably the best library thats not college affiliated that ive been to in california. We studied and stuff and went home. after dinner, we watched ratatouille at the woodbridge family theatre for 3 bucks total and it was an awesome movie. its inspiring. god it might just make it onto the facebook list haha. Following that, we went to this playground by city hall. It was lots of fun. God, so descriptive. We went to the fountain where ASB pictures were took and stuff. It was a bit chilly but nice. The air was fresh, a relief from all that smoke. It was a full moon that night. There were public bathrooms that were open, the nicest park bathrooms ever with automatic flushing and faucets. It didn't stink.


I'm scared of failing. I really am. Thats what this all boils down to. Fear. I'm scared and i guess maybe depressed. But i'm steady and it'll pass. Its what happens when youre trying to quit a drug. This is going to be tough. I'm gonna be in for a long one...

On a side note: In Rainbows, radiohead new album is really really fuckin good. Very ambient and peaceful. i always thought radiohead was loud music, but no, not at all. The music is really fucking good. go download it.

ah, and today i watched finishing the game with david. it was a little funny, but not as good as i thought itd be. :(

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

sd fire






no school this week because of the fires. sd's in a state of emergency. i came back to irvine today and on the way out, the sky was all brown and the sun was all red. once i hit san clemente, the sky became blue and sun became normal again. i hope everyone is safe and well. theres a fire near irvine also, but the air quality is a lot better. dont burn my house down please!

anyways, in other news:
I xue I: you can meet my girlfriend
I xue I: i've quit smoking
I xue I: haha
CHINASHRIMP44: yea
CHINASHRIMP44: im trying to quit also
I xue I: she made me quit
CHINASHRIMP44: ...
CHINASHRIMP44: did you just say
CHINASHRIMP44: she made me quit
CHINASHRIMP44: SHE made me
CHINASHRIMP44: MADE me
I xue I: yes
I xue I:
I xue I: today
CHINASHRIMP44: slap you silly son
I xue I: er
I xue I: yesterday
I xue I: at my apartment
I xue I: AT MY PLACE
I xue I: i put the toilet seat down
I xue I: after pissing
CHINASHRIMP44: omg.
I xue I: god
I xue I: i was so ashamed
CHINASHRIMP44: you want me to take care of this problem?
CHINASHRIMP44: this rodent problem.
I xue I: lol
CHINASHRIMP44: i will not tolerate this
CHINASHRIMP44: you're being oppressed
I xue I: i am
CHINASHRIMP44: goddamn

comment: dombinated. chick makes will quit smoking and putting the toilet seat down. she has him by the balls.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

rewind and fast forward

hows it goin?

its been awhile since ive written. too busy with school maybe? ha. school kind of caught me off guard and got busy really sudden and i feel like im already going in full steam.

ANYWAYS, over the past couple weeks, I went to numerous events including a MUSE concert, a chargers game (which they were totally embarrassed) and a METRIC concert. The Muse concert was actually the week before school started, chargers game was the weekend after 0th week, and metric was during 1st week of school. AND this week, I'm going to go to Fall fest featuring the ROOTS! amazing. weekly concerts it seems like haha.

The muse concert was at Irvine Verizon amphitheaters and the only bad thing about it was standing up on a hill, with your calves strained for a couple hours. They played a bunch of awesome songs including starlight, problematique, plug in baby and many of their feature songs from their new album as well as some oldies including one of my personal favorites: butterflies and hurricanes. My only regrets are not getting closer seats, having a total cockfest (myself, skrimshaw, jeff liu, kunal, nhan) at the concert, and the weed brownies/beers wearing off shortly before muse started playing.

The chargers game (i went with weff) started out as how i would imagine, with the chargers playing well. They werent playing superb, as mr. rivers was throwing up some floaty shit (which you can see from the stands, his passes so fluttery with low velocity, being picked off...). The environment was awesome and sadly, i cant buy beer. I had tho, charger dog and super nachos which were very tasty and expensive. At half time, i was 80% on getting a merriman jersey in boys xl, which fit me perfectly, and was way cheaper than a men's size. Then the chargers started sucking. Fans were booing, chanting MARTY, MARTY, and there was also a fight that broke out. By the middle of the 4th, many disappointed charger fans were emptying out of the Q. Needless to say I was depressed for the rest of that Sunday, and much of the week after. You dont blow a halftime lead when you could have just given the ball to LT and had him do his stuff. I remember a 3-short near the redzone, and Mr. Norv calls a pass play, when LT could have taken it all the way. Sigh...

THE metric concert was one of the best i've gone to. It was just a lot of fun. I went with andre, kyle, tiffany, emma, kunal, nhan, and jenn and we all had a blast and caused lots of ruckus. We got to the HOB way early and I made the executive decision of drinking on a school night for everybody, which would be the right decision. On the way to the parking lot, i saw a delorean! but didnt have my camera to take a picture of it...shucks. We left the venue and got drunk in my car, and returned for the first show (crystal castle) which was some trippy trip hop and shouting and strobe light action that made everything stop action to amplify my euphoria. Our alcohol was wearing off, so we left after the first show and went to a parking lot and got more drunk. What resulted was awesome. After the concert had started, we slowly migrated towards the middle and kind of started our own mosh pit with andre leading the way, jumping around and causing quite a stir. I got high off the crowd and music and went crazy causing all kinds of ruckus. The concert was awesome tho, with the lead singer choosing an interesting decision for fashion (tights and a shirt that only came down to her waist, exposing her butt shape ahhaha. I got back home from the concert to start my BE110 homework and finished at 3. The assignment was due at 7:40. Hahahaha.

I find that i like random music and new music. I just download a shit load of songs from various indie music blogs w/o sampling, and then play the entire playlist. I never really pay attention to the actual artist or lyrics unless the song is super catchy and sparks my interest. I'll listen to songs for up to a 20seconds to a minute and if i don't want to listen to it or don't like it, i skip to the next. I'll put it on standby for later sampling haha...end of the line. For the ones that stand out, ill listen to it a few times on repeat and if its super good, it might even earn a couple (up to FIVE!) prestigious andrew yu itunes stars. And then when I'm scrolling through my artists, I'm always like huh, who the fuck is so and so and listen to the song, almost like listening to it for the first time again.

Its kind of like meeting people. When someones interesting, you hangout and stuff, becoming friends. Whenever you hear a song you like, its always, "oh its this song again" much like seeing a good friend again and saying hi. I hope that my shuffle-all-songs-and-next-on-songs-i-don't-want-to-listen-to is how i deal with people, although it seems like it. But maybe thats just how life is. Growing up, i changed schools a couple times, always having to meet new friends, and then I'd return to old schools/districts to see old friends again, but even still would make a new group of friends, straying from the old group. Every time you move to a new place, you make your friends which stay within your comfort zone niche. You gotta keep in touch and I find that its tragic how its lost so easily. Just like how you listen to new music and have the music you listened to in high school, etc. Even just moving off campus, its tougher to hang out with other friends. You gotta make the effort. I gotta make the effort.

Ah and as for the couple weeks of college gameday, all i can say is WOW, and goddamn i love college football. So many upsets, suprise teams, teams that come from nowhere and dominate powerhouses. When everything works right, you can win. Its not about being the best/ most talented team, but seriousl about who comes out to want to win, and some luck of course. So much parity in the league...i love it.

School sucks. gotta study. i'm doing pretty damn good with my weed stoppage. kinda. Alrighty, enough with the update. onward. ho. =D