Ive decided that if i were an animal, i'd want to be a bird (dunno what kind). Birds are chill all the time, just hopping around, finding a telephone pole to perch onto and daydream. I want to fly, go really fast against the wind. I like the high altitude and falling feeling; the butterflies in the stomach never bother me. To float, glide, soar. Too bad the closest ill ever get is in a plane, or sky diving, hang gliding watever. If i were a sea animal, perhaps id be a tang (like Dory). If i were a land animal, a fox cause their sneaky and shit. BTW, this past paragraph was terrible writing. sorry.
This is an image from my backyard. The clouds were more impressive from the other areas of turtle rock but i didnt have my camera at the time. I quickly just snapped this picture to get at least remnants of the crazy constellation painted by the cirrus clouds and the setting sun. They're so wispy and carefree, without any defined moment, kinda just off doing its own thing. Reminds me of blowing smoke. I feel like this is whats going on in my head. I don't know what i want.
I wish i knew, so i know wat to work for you kno? To find that job you'll love, so you'll never have to work ever again. But then again, I'm just being lazy and i know it. You don't wait for the calling, you make it yourself.
But at the moment, I don't know wat i like. What i do right now, what im studying, its fine, its great, its an excellent path, but i don't have the passion for it. I'm just doing it cause I just happen to be on the road. I'm not making any turns or finding new paths...
I'm waiting for the navigation system to tell me where to go. I'm waiting for my call, but I'm getting restless and impatient. I feel that all I'm studying and working for will not matter in the long run and I don't know why. Its all for the enrichment of my own life. Still, all in all, i feel extremely unmotivated. It seems like the grass is greener everywhere else.
We make our own calling and we decide for ourselves and I'm not taking the initiative to do so. I'm stalling and I don't want to care, but in the back of my head, dread of the future looms. We decide for ourselves and its true since ultimately you decide what you like and dislike. What if I just haven't found my calling to decide on it?
Still, it doesnt mean I should give up. Everything matters in the end, no matter how significant. I'm lazy and arrogant, which is the worst combination. I gotta get clean and only time will tell. At least six months. At least six months.
Come on baby, light my fire. why arent i excited about things more? where my motivation? I seem to just not care. The indifference is killing me! the boredom perhaps?
On friday, I had a very good day. One of the better ones in a long time. Elaine took me to cdm beach, where i took the picture of the thinking bird starring off into the ocean. We went to fashion island and stopped at the puppy shop. There i saw this chihuahua that i made me think about duby. i miss him goddamn. We got wahoos and ate it at the beach, just chilling and watching the waves. It was nice and pleasant, stress free. She then took me to the newport beach library. I had never been there and its probably the best library thats not college affiliated that ive been to in california. We studied and stuff and went home. after dinner, we watched ratatouille at the woodbridge family theatre for 3 bucks total and it was an awesome movie. its inspiring. god it might just make it onto the facebook list haha. Following that, we went to this playground by city hall. It was lots of fun. God, so descriptive. We went to the fountain where ASB pictures were took and stuff. It was a bit chilly but nice. The air was fresh, a relief from all that smoke. It was a full moon that night. There were public bathrooms that were open, the nicest park bathrooms ever with automatic flushing and faucets. It didn't stink.
I'm scared of failing. I really am. Thats what this all boils down to. Fear. I'm scared and i guess maybe depressed. But i'm steady and it'll pass. Its what happens when youre trying to quit a drug. This is going to be tough. I'm gonna be in for a long one...
On a side note: In Rainbows, radiohead new album is really really fuckin good. Very ambient and peaceful. i always thought radiohead was loud music, but no, not at all. The music is really fucking good. go download it.
ah, and today i watched finishing the game with david. it was a little funny, but not as good as i thought itd be. :(
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